Chapter 326   - 325 - Human Aspects

Point-of-View: Shiro Blanc

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"I'm just sayin', like, shit's gone crazy over the past couple of years," Remarked Cusnai, as she downed a shot.

"Ain't that the truth, remember when we were among the strongest in the world and stuff?" Sighed Minise wistfully.

"Those were certainly better days," Agreed Zave with a wry smile, before taking a swig of his drink.

"It all started when Goldway was destroyed, nothing's been the same ever since, but hey, it could always be worse," Chimed in Niski, who was in an extremely good mood.

Guess getting her arm back brightened her spirits some, huh?

"Are you sure it's okay for me to be here? I mean, I did attack-," Shin began doubtfully.

He'd been conflicted about tagging along for this, only relenting when Cusnai insisted. He was still wracked with guilt over the whole helping massacre a ton of the innocent people in the Rustlands, so he seemed to be feeling like he shouldn't be here, having fun with them.

"You were tricked and manipulated into it by Belia though, right?" Countered Zave objectively, before nodding at me, "This guy very much knew what he was doing, and look at him now, relaxing without so much a hint of guilt."

Huh, his tone sounded joking and I didn't sense that much hostility...

"I don't get it...how are you all so chill? If I were in your shoes, I definitely wouldn't trust me," I remarked with a frown.

"Actually, we all discussed it after Belia and the remainder of her army allied with the Rustlands, before they moved in...and we agreed that this alliance was never going to work if tensions are too high, so yeah...," Chimed in Cusnai, "Though, of course, most of the civilians are still very much hostile to the former Silvland citizens, there's not much we can do about that though."

Come to think of it, pretty much all the civilians I've come across in the last week have openly shown their hatred and made no secret of the fact that they didn't want us here. The Adventurers, however...

"But as for the higher ups and Adventurers, we all agreed not to let our emotions get the best of us, and instead, any hatred we feel, we direct them at Belia, since she was in charge of everything that happened," Explained Cusnai, before narrowing her eyes at me, "You know, it's weird...it doesn't seem like you care about whether people hate you, but when they don't hate you even though you yourself expect them to, you seem conflicted."

"That's not-...," I began to brush her comment off, before trailing off as her words struck a chord and I mulled them over, "I...I-...holy shit, I think you're right. The overall lack of hostility I felt during the training today...it bothers me."

"And why exactly does it bother you?" She inquired, as she gulped down a swig of beer.

"I...I'm not sure-."

"Don't think about it, just say the first thing that pops into your mind, got it?" She interrupted.

"Uh...I think so. Wait, why are we doing this?" I inquired uncertainly.

"Doesn't matter, answer now...why does it bother you? Don't think, just answer!" She urged, watching me closely as she asked again, "Why does the lack of hostility bother you?"

"Because I don't deserve it, after everything I've done, why would-...," I blurted out, before trailing off and adding, "...woah, how'd you do that?"

"Heh, I majored in psychology in my-...hold on, what was I saying?" She started, before blanking out.

"Hey, let's get another round of drinks!" Suddenly intervened Minise, breaking through the somewhat serious atmosphere that had enveloped our table.

I let out a quiet sigh as everyone voiced their agreement to the suggestion, before flagging down the waiter and placing the order. I feel like I need a moment to process all this, I-...this is all just really confusing. Everything that I feel like I've learned about myself today...it contradicts and conflicts with the image I have of myself in my mind.

None of this should be affecting me...I'm supposed to be heartless, violent, selfish and manipulative...and yet, something as simple as not detecting hostility from people who should be hostile towards me, something that's really as simple as that is causing all these conflicting emotions inside me. I just...can't understand it...

...

About an hour later, the others began heading home, after splitting the bill. I was still unable to move past my currently ongoing existential crisis, my thoughts flowing non-stop. Why do I even care? How do I stop thinking about this?

"Hey, you okay?"

Hm, someone's still here? I sobered myself up and looked up...oh, it's Minise.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I replied, standing up and sobering myself up a bit, "Well, uh...see ya, I guess."

"Hold on a second. If you're not busy right now, would you mind coming over to my place and-," She began to suggest.

I've got way too much on my mind right now to even think about that...

"Oh...tempting offer and all, and I'll probably regret this later, but...I'm really not in the mood right now, so maybe a rain check-."

"Wha-...no, I think you're misunderstanding me! I meant, come over to look at my notes, the ones I've written down about the whole blanking out thing," She responded with a red-faced frown.

"Ohh, why didn't you just say that instead of something that could easily be taken a different way?" I inquired, averting my gaze sheepishly.

"Because you didn't let me finish what I was saying. Well, anyway, come on, let's go."

"Hold on, I never agreed to-."

"Yeah, well, tough titty, because I need answers! Now, come on," She responded, gesturing for me to follow her.

Eh...why not, I guess?

...

"Alright, here it is...I can't even read the entire thing without blanking out several times, I guess I can take that as a sign that I'm on the right track, at least," She sighed, as she handed me the notebook.

"I have to say, I'm impressed that you weren't afraid to keep at this," I remarked, as I flipped through the pages.

Huh, some of these theories are way off, but there are plenty that are really accurate...like this part, she's theorized that Kuro did something he wasn't supposed to, and that some divine being or something must have created me to punish him, that's why I took his place in everyone's memories.

"Hm? Afraid of what?" She asked with a confused look.

"Well, something brainwashed pretty much every single human in the world, and you're trying to resist that and make sense of it...aren't you afraid that whatever did the brainwashing might see you as poking your nose where it doesn't belong and eliminate you as a result?" I pointed out with a raised eyebrow.

"..."

"..."

"..."

"You didn't even think of that, did you?" I remarked with a raised eyebrow.

"N-nope, that, uh...th-that never crossed my mind," She replied sheepishly, a hint of nervousness on her face, "Though, w-wait, since nothing's happened to me so far, I think it should be okay!"

She might be right about that, I recall that Belia's mentioned multiple times that not-God doesn't have the power to interfere in the living world again.

"Unbelievable," I sighed with a shake of my head, before letting out a slight laugh, "Seriously, I can't tell if you're smart or dumb. By the way, this particular theory you've written down is correct."

"Hey, you just smiled for real, usually you've got more of a smirky, cocky kinda thing going on," She remarked with a grin, before taking the notebook as I pointed out the theory I came across, "Oh, so then you really were created to replace Kuro in order to punish him for doing something wrong."

Huh, she didn't blank out...well, Samsara's brainwashing was mainly to conceal his own existence, the fact that reincarnation is, well, a fact and also that alternate worlds are a thing.

"Yeah, I can't mention all the details, and even if I could, you'd probably blank out if I didn't keep it vague. I'll give it a try, see if this works. Basically, Kuro broke a taboo of the world, and to punish him, an artificial, inverse copy of him was created, aka me. He had to kill me within a certain time limit to restore everyone's memories of him back to normal, and I had to kill him in order to take his place and continue existing. If neither of us died by the time limit, we'd both cease to exist. Of course, he ended up winning, though Belia saved me before I could fully cease to exist," I explained, watching her closely to see if she blanked out at any point during my explanation.

"I see...wait, is all that true, I didn't blank out at all," She remarked in confusion.

"Yeah, well, I avoided mentioning the factors that I thought might trigger it," I replied with a shrug, "Still, can't believe that actually worked."

"So, did you join Belia because she saved you?" She asked.

"No, not exactly...at least, it wasn't a sense of loyalty, more that I didn't want to owe her anything. And after that, I just never found a reason to leave her side, mainly because I had nowhere else to go," I answered honestly.

Why am I telling her all this, this is stuff I've barely even admitted to myself, or even acknowledged at all until now...have I just been holding all this in, and now that I've started to let it out, it's all bursting out in one go?

"Now I get it, I think I've got a good understanding of what makes you tick, Shiro...," She remarked, before elaborating, "The way you came into this world, as a tool to punish someone else, and then having to struggle desperately just to survive...you were never given the chance to just...to just be human. At least, not as yourself, so you instead leaned into the more violent and negative aspects of yourself and in your head, that was the entirety of your being. But today, for the first time, the more human aspects of yourself were stirred, and you couldn't comprehend that. Am I right? Or am I, like, way off with this? What do you think?"

I'm...really not sure, but...everything she said struck a chord with me. Did she...did she just figure me out when even I haven't fully figured myself out yet?

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